It’s Clay Buchholz’s World
by Kristen Merrill and Amy Rossi

The 2007 season was an amazing time to be a Red Sox fan. In addition to winning the World Series, we saw how General Manager Theo Epstein revitalized the farm system. Dustin Pedroia won Rookie of the Year, Jacoby Ellsbury won Tacos For America, and a loose-limbed kid named Clay Buchholz threw a no-hitter in his second-ever start.

As a fan base, we started to suspect that Buchholz had superpowers – beyond the pitching talents he displayed on that warm September night when he struck out (looking) the Orioles’ Nick Markakis to complete his no-no. But at the time, we had no proof of Buchholz’s suspected super human abilities.

Then, a few weeks ago, his name became linked in the media – and confirmed by his father of all people - to a Penthouse Pet. Suddenly, we knew: It was time to accept Clay Buchholz as our new skinny, bug-eyed overlord.

 Yes, that’s right. This is Clay Buchholz’s world. The rest of us are just lucky enough to live in it. In addition to the fact that Kevin Youkilis can no longer make fun of Clay’s “numerous girlfriends in the Niagara Falls area,” other changes have taken place. Where the post-game spread might have once been steak or sushi, now it is Totino’s pizza rolls, Bagel Bites, and five-gallon drums of cheese balls. That doesn’t look a Gatorade cup in Terry Francona’s hand, does it? In fact, it’s an Ecto Cooler juice box.

You know those backgammon and cribbage tournaments on team flights that we’ve heard so much about? Those have been replaced by Mario Kart parties and the occasional round of Donkey Kong. And, oh, is the clubhouse resplendent in Nerf paraphernalia. All position players were given Nerf Spiderman footballs for Christmas while all pitchers received Nerf basketball sets, you know, to stay in shape.

The changes have affected the grounds crew as well. The lush green lawns of Fenway will now be maintained by an elaborate system involving Super Soakers. No more run-of-the-mill sprinklers.

Hotels on the road have been informed by traveling secretary Jack McCormick that all rooms must be equipped with bunk beds, Ghostbuster sheets and fort makings. Also, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles must always be available on Pay-Per-View.

Because Epstein has refused to budge on the clause in Buchholz’s contract that fines him if he races Jacoby Ellsbury, Buchholz has instituted “throw harder than me” contests. Velocity is measured by tandem use of Ellsbury and a dunk tank.

And those multiple necklaces Buchholz wears? They’re medals awarded for high scores in foosball and Wii Tennis. No one has more. Clubhouse Rock Band showdowns have also been known to form during rain delays. Clay Buchholz takes his role as drummer very seriously.  

It’s probably going to raise some eyebrows the first time Clay comes out to pitch wearing a red cape – we value tradition around these parts. But when he knots it around his neck, raises an eyebrow at a disapproving Curt Schilling, and softly intones, “Who is man enough to step to this?” the answer is clear.

No one.

And boy, does a red cape really look majestic against the Green Monster.

Buchholz is also bringing back that grand tradition of years past, the bullpen car. Except now it’s outfitted with 20-inch rims, a killer sound system and a horn Luke and Bo Duke would be proud of.  Good luck getting Manny out of that thing.

These changes might scare you at first, but we think you’ll adjust quickly. After all, Pixie Stix and ring pops for dinner are fun. Keep an eye out though – with Buchholz’s talent, the Red Sox are probably just the first organization he’s going to take over. The Oval Office would be a lot more fun with a moonbounce, right?

Amy Rossi is a 2006 graduate of the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. She lives in Brookline, makes killer biscuits, and has a bizarre weakness for Chris Capuano, Prince Fielder, and the rest of the Milwaukee Brewers. She likes her Sox red and one day hopes to own a panda bear which she will name “Pinky.” 

Kristen Merrill is a 2002 graduate of Emerson College. She lives in Brighton with resident feline Rocky Dave Roberts Markakat and several dust bunnies. Kristen is a freelance writer who runs the popular sports blog “Basegirl” (www.basegirl.blogspot.com). She’s a sucker for Boston sports teams, straight tequila, and power ballads. Particularly Journey.