Long Live the Hollywood Douchebag

As a 20-something single gal on the prowl, I’ve gone out with my fair share of losers, druggies, geeks, tools, prudes, jerks and wackos. But oh, nothing gets me hot and bothered like your average male asshole. There’s just something about being treated like crap by a cute guy that gets me all riled up… down there!

I’m obviously being facetious, although many so-called “nice” guys out there think that’s what girls are really attracted to. I suppose it’s somewhat true, since I’ve spent quality time with so many assholes you’d think I was a proctologist working overtime. Hey-oh! There’s a butt joke you probably didn’t need me to make. Anyway, despite how many guys with personality disorders I’ve been out with, I have never dated, nor will ever date, a douchebag.

What is a douchebag, you ask? Well, a douchebag is pretty much everything an asshole is, but with two extra accoutrements: pride, and flair. A douchebag acts like he’s the hottest, most stylish guy in the room, even if he has a bald spot or beer gut or fake bake farmer’s tan. He spends most of his money on expensive, ostentatious brand name clothing, although diamond studded T-shirts with cartoon tigers don’t exactly scream “alpha male” to me.

But what turns your average superficial dickhead into something more douchey is that a douchebag is proud of his douchebaggery. He lies, cheats and steals, then gloats about it afterwards. He brags about how many Irish car bombs he’s pounded back in under five minutes, or boasts that he went home with the most unattractive girl at the bar on a bet. If being evil while wearing a matching tracksuit is wrong, then Mr. Douchebag doesn’t wanna be right. Also, check out these mad guns, brah!

Although your average, neighborhood douche is reviled, Hollywood douchebags are loved more than ever. On TV, on the radio, most likely in and out of jail, and on the cover of our magazines—people seriously can’t get enough of them! How can this possibly be? Here’s the Top 5 Biggest D-bags in Pop-Culture, in ascending order of awfullness:

Hollywood Douchebags We Love to Hate

Jeremy Piven – Even if he didn’t star on Entourage (the only show on TV that transmits douchiness through osmosis), he’d still land a spot on this list. The Piv broke his contract with the Broadway show Speed the Plow after getting mercury poisoning—which, even if true, is the lamest excuse to get out of work I’ve ever heard.

John Mayer –Worse than his hideous tattoo sleeve, Mayer repeatedly talks about ex girlfriends in his blogs, to TMZ (the douchiest gossip site out there) and in his stand-up acts. Yes, he’s a sometimes-comedian, too. Imagine Dane Cook playing guitar and you’ve got John Mayer. Coincidentally Jessica Simpson dated both those guys, which shows you there are some women out there who would date a douchebag.

Kanye West – Egotistical, rich and full of opinions, Kanye is the most attention-seeking douche around. He loves hearing himself speak, especially if it’s while interrupting other people’s shining moments. I can’t decide whether it’s his ALL CAPS BLOG or his bald space alien girlfriend that’s his douchiest accessory. But his all-time worst offense? Cancelling his tour I already bought tickets to. (No, I’ll never date a douchebag, but I’ll go see them perform live. Call me a hypocrite.) Ticketmaster doesn’t refund processing charges, d-bag! I want my $5.80 back! Rap me a couplet from “Gold Digger” and we’ll call it even.

Jon Gosselin – Jon hasn’t been around for very long, but boy oh boy, has he climbed the Von Dutch ladder to the top quickly! After breaking up with his wife and leaving her to care for eight kids, Jon celebrated his single status by going on yacht trips with Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier and developing a show with Michael Lohan, (yes, Lindsay’s dad) called Divorced Dads Club. He proceeded to have about ten thousand girlfriends about a decade younger than him, and cheated on all of them with other impossibly young girlfriends. Not douche enough for you? Well, Gosselin withdrew thousands of dollars from him and Kate’s joint bank account, pretty much just to eff with her. And when TLC shortened the show’s title to Kate Plus Eight, he wouldn’t let the film crew on his property to film his kids. Because the dude’s got morals!

Joe Francis – He’s the creator of Girls Gone Wild—that’s enough right there, but oh, there’s plenty more. Shaped like a teapot (short and stout), this guy is ugly inside and out. Francis loves telling people he’s slept with Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid and Paris Hilton. Sure, so has everyone else on the planet, but he’s the only one bragging about it. He continuously sneaks into club openings he’s not invited to and even got into a hands-on fight with also-douchebag Brody Jenner’s girlfriend at another club. He’s even spent time in jail for contempt (the legal definition of “contempt”, not the actual feeling most of the world has for him).

So why do we love hearing about these schmucks? I think it’s because we’re curious just how far today’s H.D. (Hollywood Douchebag) can sink. We want to discover the seemingly endless amusing ways these guys can use the world as their punching bag, or how much money they can make while doing calve lifts off all the people they step on. It’s like watching a horrible car crash if one of the cars was wearing a bejeweled trucker hat.

Douche on, fair men of Hollywood, I’ll be watching you from afar. At least far enough away that I can’t smell the stench of your P. Diddy brand cologne.