The other day I caught an episode of My Fair Brady, a reality show on VH1 where Christopher Knight aka Peter Brady dates some lunatic. In this particular episode, Peter Brady and his lunatic went out to dinner and shared lists of why they loved each other.

They shared feelings like, “I love the way you hold me,” and “I love the way you smell.” Then there was the one that totally made me barf, “But most of all, I love loving you.” 

The show is terrible. It’s embarrassing. An absolute train wreck. But somehow I can’t turn away. Even after the lovey duvey scene, when I was cleaning the barf off of my lap, I was still glued to the set.

I hate the show. I hate myself for watching it. But most of all, I hate myself for loving it.

So in this article, I’m going to tell you all the things I love about the NFL. But also all the things I hate about myself for loving it so much. I hope you don’t barf.

I love Gamebreaks. I love the fact that my heart skips a beat every time I hear the announcers send it over to JB in Los Angeles bringing with it the possibility of one of my fantasy players scoring a touchdown.
I hate the fact that pretty much every time they break to JB; it’s a highlight of Stephen David running for a 2 yard score and not one of my guys like Jamal “no touchdowns” Lewis or Joe “I think I’ll just stay outta the endzone this year” Horn.

I love fantasy karma, like when my friend Law benched Ladanian Tomlinson because he was going against his favorite team, the Eagles. LT ended up getting shut down while Law’s backup, Tatum Bell rushed for over a hundred yards.
I hate the fact that when I tried the same thing, Clinton Portis rushed for three touchdowns while my starter, Ruben Droughns was arrested for drunk driving.

I love cute sideline reporters all bundled up with their cute little hats. I love cute little Bonnie Bernstein, Pam Oliver and Sam Ryan. I love the way they deliver their cute little reports about Kevin Faulk’s cute broker femur or Brian Griese’s ruptured spleen. I love spleens.I hate the fact that no matter how well my fantasy team does this year, I will never go to bed with Suzy Kolber. I also hate that when she’s done reporting, she sends it back to some dufus in the booth who keeps talking and talking and talking. Often times about how he once ruptured some dude’s spleen.

I love Chad Johnson and Steve Smith’s TD celebrations. The creativity; the hilarity; the fact that no one in the NFL can stop these guys.
I hate the fact that when I thought I scored a touchdown in my flag football league (I actually only crossed the FIVE yard line) I spiked the ball and lost a fumble. I also hate the fact that when I spiked the ball it shot right back up at me and almost ruptured my spleen.

I love waking up to crisp autumn weather. I love watching the breath from my mouth and smelling the smell of fresh dew or this blessed earth.
I hate the fact that I used that same quote in my online dating profile and actually got a few dates out of it. I also hate the fact that the steamy breath from my mouth often smells like fresh dew.

I love Michael Vick.
I hate the fact that I might truly have a crush of Michael Vick. Seriously, how smooth and healthy is his skin? And what a strong spleen!

I love taking naps during the four o’clock games. I love battling with my eyelids while Jake Plummer prances around in the background. I love losing that battle. 
I hate the fact that at 28 years old, I can’t stay awake for the duration of Monday Night Football.

I love that Dick Vermeil went for a touchdown on the final play of the game last week instead of the game tying field goal. I love that even though he’s like, 80 years old and probably doesn’t even have a working spleen anymore, he’s still got bigger kahunas that anyone else.
I hate the fact that by the time I turn 80, my kahunas are probably going to be the size of milk duds.

I love high definition TV.
Man, do I need a girlfriend.