It’s a slushy mid-winter evening, and I’m standing stark-naked in a strange, closet-sized room. Inches behind me, a large fan sends a tickling breeze through my nether regions, which I’m scarcely able to cover with a Pampers-like paper thong--for the following 35 minutes, this will be my sole article of clothing. The door opens and a tall blonde walks in. She’s wearing latex gloves. “Ready?” she says.

No, this isn’t the beginning of some kinky sexcapade—it’s merely an attempt at getting my translucently white, weatherworn body in gear for spring break, its biggest exhibition of the year. Since tanning beds are both insalubrious and time-consuming, I follow in the steps of tabloid beach bunnies like Paris, Lindsay and J-Lo and opt for the spray-on tan, a bronzing technique that promises to be quick, natural-looking and relatively long-lasting.

Airbrush tanning is offered in spas and salons throughout the city, but the price points (and, correspondingly, the quality) run the gamut. After days of deliberation, I choose Spa Newbury. At $75, their tanning treatment is on the pricier side, but while other spas recommend one to two follow-up visits after the initial application, Spa Newbury promises to deliver a smooth, rich glow in a single visit. “Most places will use about an ounce of product in one session,” says Spa Newbury owner Selena Belisle. “By comparison, we use around three ounces. It gives you a nice, even tan in one go.” Lo and behold, after adhering strictly to Belisle’s instructions, the most important of which include pre-tan exfoliation (I’m in love with Sabon Body Scrub, available at Sabon, 129 Newbury St.) and frequent moisturizing (try Dermalogica Ultrarich Body Cream), I’m left with a goddess-like bronze that lasts for weeks.

But if you’d rather put that $75 toward margaritas, you can still achieve a streak-free glow with a few DIY guidelines. “The key to en even at-home tan is to mix the tanning product with a good moisturizer,” says Belisle. For the body, she recommends blending one part Vaseline Intensive Care Healthy Body Glow for fair skin tones with 1-2 parts moisturizer. “No matter how dark you are,” she explains, “the ‘medium’ and ‘dark skin tone’ versions tend to be too intense.”

Start at the ankles and work your way up, going light on knees and elbows. If possible, enlist a friend who doesn’t mind rubbing your derriere to help you with each application—it will take several goes to produce any noticeable results—and scrub your hands thoroughly to prevent them from turning orange. Facial bronzing follows the same principle, but you’ll want to use non-comogenic products to prevent breakouts. Try mixing Neutrogena Instant Bronze Sunless Tanner and Bronzer-In-One for Face with Dermalogica Power Rich Moisturizer.

Once your skin looks like it’s spent a few weeks on a Tahitian sailboat, it’s time to tackle item numero dos: beach hair. Since you’ll be spending most of your time frolicking in the waves and rolling around in the sand, elaborate coiffing is obviously useless. Instead, stylist Elliot Diaz of Sassoon Studio in Newton Centre suggests investing in a line of hair products that is specifically designed to give you that San Diego babe look while shielding your tresses from sun damage. According to Diaz, the ideal choice for all hair lengths is the Sunshine/Sunset line from System Personal by Wella, which consists of two pre-beach and two après-sun hair treatments. “What’s great about this line is that it gives you both body and definition while protecting you from the sun,” says Diaz.

And now on to the finer details: when you’ve spent all those hours perfecting your Ibiza mien, the last thing you need is to be betrayed by your weathered feet. For the pedicure of your life, head to Cambridge’s Wet Paint Nail Spa--a specialized nail salon known for its fun atmosphere, toxin-free products, and, above all, cleanliness--and opt for the “posh pedi” ($55). And if you blew your last 50 on a slinky string bikini, just follow salon co-owner Michelle Phoenix’s tips for a durable at-home pedicure:

Before you start, sanitize your tools in 10 parts cold water and one part bleach, rinse them with warm, soapy water and pat dry. Soak in a warm Epsom salt footbath to soften calluses, then trim and file your nails down to the tips of your toes. Next, exfoliate with a loofah (never use a knife) and moisturize. Clean your nails with a cotton pad dipped in rubbing alcohol and then get a friend (ideally, the same one that bronzed your thighs earlier) to paint your toes from a more accessible angle with a toxin-free professional polish such as NuBar, Zoya or Adoré.

Sadly, the final and most painful step to a spring break-ready you is the one you can least neglect. Since the bikini wax is the trickiest, and, aesthetically speaking, the most crucial part of your grooming stint, I suggest leaving it to the pros. My personal favorite is Dellaria on B.U. campus. At $30 for a bikini and--for those of you who plan on rolling around in the sand after sunset--$60 for a Brazilian, their waxes are quick, affordable and relatively ouchless. Now, if only the same were true about those tequila hangovers.

Spa Newbury: 115 Newbury St., 617-262-9464
Sabon: 129 Newbury St., 617-236-1931
Sassoon Studio: 796 Beacon St., Newton, 617-243-9400
Wet Paint Nail Spa: 141 Huron Ave., Cambridge, 617-868-0620
Dellaria: 623 Commonwealth Ave., 617-262-8750