by: Chris Alexander

Well, it’s that time of year again—summer! If any given movie playing at a theater near you isn’t a sequel now, there’s probably one in the works. Here’s your very first glimpse at upcoming sequels to this summer’s blockbusters—expected to hit multiplexes in Summer 2007:

Star Wars Episode III 1/2: The Revolt of the Cast – Yeah right, like Revenge of the Sith was the last Star Wars movie. George Lucas finds a way to digitally insert realistic human emotion into his films, resulting in an entirely new version of Episode III. He splices in better performances from cast members—Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting, Natalie Portman in Closer, and Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction—and for good effect, select moments from Casablanca. It is also a musical.

Herbie: Totally Stacked – After critics and audiences had a field day comparing the title Herbie: Fully Loaded to its teen star’s notorious rack, Lindsay Lohan and her “tricked out” bug return for another chance to flash those famous headlights at families worldwide.

Mr. Smith, Mrs. Smith, & Ms. Smith – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, married assassins who found out they were assigned to kill each other in Mr. And Mrs. Smith, evaded danger to live happily ever after once...but their troubles are only beginning! Mr. Smith’s ex, a super-deadly bounty hunter played by Jennifer Aniston, is out for blood, and she will stop at nothing to get it.

Bewitched 2: Bothered & Bewildered – The first Bewitched film had Will Ferrell playing an actor in a “Bewitched” TV remake who discovers his co-star (Nicole Kidman) is an actual witch (don’t you hate it when that happens?!) In the sequel, the resurrected corpse of the original Samantha, Elizabeth Montgomery, visits the set of the first Bewitched movie and wreaks bloody vengeance on director Nora Ephron for making a bothersome, bewildering, self-reflexive Ferrellization of her classic TV series.

Return to the House of Wax – Since the only reason anybody saw the first House of Wax was to watch Paris Hilton die, in this schlocky horror sequel every victim is portrayed by Paris Hilton, and she dies over and over and over again… (And they say sequels are never better than the original!!)

Charlie and The Lifelong Struggle With Obesity – Screw the glass elevator; this sequel to Tim Burton’s remake of the children’s classic teaches kids the consequences of taking candy from fortysomething men in top hats and pimpwear. Still traumatized by Willa Wonka’s quest to find his sweet spot, adult Charlie’s daily candy binges result in a premature coronary bypass. Uplifting cameos from Oprah Winfrey, Richard Simmons, and a special appearance from the late Dr. Atkins help Charlie finally discover that eating your feelings is not okay. Finally, a movie with a positive message for today’s fast-food guzzling youth! (Due to Johnny Depp’s Pirates of the Caribbean 8 scheduling conflicts, the part of Willy Wonka will now be played by Michael Jackson.)

Lords of Dogtown Too!: Welcome To The Dog House – Five years after a trio of fierce So Cal teens pioneers the sport of skateboarding, they face their sickest trick yet: entering the real world after you’ve spent the last five years skateboarding. If you thought watching them take on varial flips and end overs was wicked awesome, wait ‘til you see ‘em try to refill a Slurpee machine!

Fantastic Three – Shocked to discover that one of the members of the Fantastic Four isn’t so fantastic after all, the fab foursome is now just a trio. Fantastic Four becomes the first franchise ever to count backward on its sequels, giving 20th Century Fox a finite number of times they can exploit it.

War of the Worlds Part II – Tom Cruise and his daughter Dakota Fanning escaped from a too-close encounter with some deadly E.T.’s once…now, Cruise’s daughter is a young adult played by Katie Holmes. Cruise and Katie buy a new house together and spend lots of time inside with shades drawn. Hmm. They must have heard more aliens are coming.

Sorority Girls On The Move – In this sequel to teen chick flick The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, a pair of thong panties is passed between four teenage girls, and each girl has a wet ‘n’ wild adventure while wearing said panties… Hey wait a second, this isn’t a family-oriented summer sequel at all.

Die, Batman, Die – After Christopher Nolan brought the Dark Knight back to his pitch-black gothic roots in Batman Begins, only one man can totally F@%#! it up—Joel Schumacher, who thought he’d done the trick with Batman & Robin. Schumacher casts Justin Timberlake as Batman, reinstates plenty of ambiguously gay subtext between Batman and Robin, and brings back Arnold Schwarzenegger as Governor Freeze. The film also features a special cameo from Halle Berry as Catwoman to ensure maximum badness. Guaranteed to be the last Batman movie ever made!!

Deuce Bigalow: Arctic Gigolo – Banished to a remote icy tundra where he can make no more movies, Rob Schneider sits naked in an igloo all by himself. Crying.

Tantalizing, aren’t they? See ya in ’07!