by: Nathan Laver

No one likes a complainer, which may explain why I never felt sorry for Red Sox fans and that whole “1918, 86 years of misery” thing. It also may explain why I don’t have a girlfriend. But then again, I feel that my whining is warranted; you see, I’m a Philadelphia Phillies fan.

The Philadelphia Phillies are by far the most pathetic franchise in professional sports; more pathetic than the pre-Curt Schilling led Boston Red Sox. The Phillies are so pathetic that even their nickname is pathetic: the Phillies? It’s not even a real thing. A person from Philadelphia is a “Philadelphian,” a female horse is a “filly,” a Phillie is nothing more than a person who plays lousy baseball.

And I mean LOUSY. The Phils just got swept by the Red Sox this past weekend and were handed their 10,000th career defeat. TEN THOUSANDth!!! That’s more than any other loser in the history of sports. That’s more than the Washington Generals! That means that the Phils could’ve trotted a real horse out to the mound 10,000 times and had pretty much the same result. (Maybe even Smarty Jones? Philadelphia’s LOSER of the Triple Crown!)

The same results over and over: losing while our Yankees, the Braves win. From 1986 – 2000 (my formative years of baseball watching), the Phils had ONE winning season; the 1993 squad that featured Lenny Dykstra, John Kruk and your boy, Curt Schilling. “Not a bad team,” you’re thinking, they won the pennant, probably slept with a lotta women” … well, lest you forget the thirteen other years with studs such as Ron Stone, Don Carmen and Stinky McStinkleson, whose performances were completely reprehensible both in and out of the bedroom. The whole time, the Atlanta Braves have been more like the Atlanta Stallions, winning the last THIRTEEN NL East crowns. The Yanks haven’t won thirteen straight.

“But what about the heartache?” you ask. “The Bill Buckner and Bucky Dent debacles?” Do I have to remind you that when the Phils did get to the World Series in ’93, that Mitch Williams got JACKED by Joe Carter in the bottom of the ninth?!?!?! And not to mention, Mitchypoo had a TERRIBLE haircut! Much worse that Pedro’s Jerry Curl.

“So stop complaining, do something about it,” you say. “The Red Sox went out and got the second highest payroll in baseball, can’t the Phils do the same thing? I mean, Philly is the 5th biggest market in the country after all.” Well, we tried. After drafting future all-star J.D. Drew, he refused to sign with us noting the management’s total lack of dedication to winning. The front office also offered Scott Rolen over 100 million bucks to stick around at the hot corner. He blew them off for the same reason. And you wonder why they get pelted with batteries when they come back to town? Now that I think of it, maybe we should chuck a few Duracells up at the front office.

“At least you have the Eagles. Solid NFL franchise, been to four straight NFC Championship games and finally made it to the Super Bowl this year.” Well, they lost to your stinking Patriots, another slap in the face by Boston’s own.

And the Sixers? One of pro basketball’s most storied franchises: legends such as Wilt, Dr. J and Sir Charles. Well, they’ve brought us just two world championships while Russell, Havlicek and Bird have brought Boston SIXTEEN.

We could talk about the Flyers and the Broad Street Bullies, but hockey doesn’t matter. And middleweight champ Bernard Hopkins is dope, but no one cares about boxing; which also eliminates Rocky Balboa, as if starring in “Oscar” and “Driven” didn’t already destroy his credibility. Geez, even Rocky is pathetic.

So don’t gimme that “Eighty six years!” And don’t complain about Schilling’s bum ankle and Mark Bellhorn’s horrendous beard. At least you guys put up a fight. Philadelphia and its lowly baseball team are truly pathetic; a city of angry degenerates who will complain about anything and everything. And now you’ve got one living amongst you here in Beantown. I’ve always said that if we do ever win a title, we might just burn our city down. But I think the reality is, if your team wins another title, we might just burn your city down. Celibacy sucks.